Why Relational Trauma Needs a Different Kind of Therapy
Introduction: Why Your Trauma Still Feels Unresolved
You’ve tried therapy. Been in it for years at this point. You’ve done the work. You’ve read the books and listened to the podcasts. You can name your triggers, regulate your breath, and use your coping skills.
And yet...
You still feel:
Emotionally exhausted in relationships
Overwhelmed by the needs of others
Unseen, unheard, or overly responsible
Like you've grown... but never truly healed
If that sounds familiar, you’re not broken. You’re likely just still operating within a system that reinforces your old ways of being and relating.
Relational trauma doesn’t heal through first-order change. It requires second-order change—guided by someone trained to work with emotional systems. That’s where licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) come in.
What Is Relational Trauma?
Childhood relational trauma is the result of less-than-nurturing parenting. It is when you experience wounds based on connections (or lack thereof), not events or moments in time. It often stems from:
Emotionally immature or unavailable caregivers
Enmeshment, neglect, or parentification
Narcissistic abuse or chronic emotional invalidation
Families that valued performance or silence over authenticity and autonomy
Relational trauma happens when our earliest, most formative relationships—usually with caregivers—consistently fail to meet our emotional, physical, or psychological needs in a way that shapes our sense of self, safety, and connection.
It’s not always about what was done (abuse); often, it’s about what was missing:
Emotional attunement
Consistent boundaries
Psychological safety
Permission to have needs, feelings, or a voice
Here are some common examples of how childhood family dysfunction leads to internalized beliefs:
A child is praised only when they meet the paren’ts expectations = “my worth is what I do, not who I am”
A child is sent to their room for being sad = “I’m bad for feeling sad; I must deal with my sadness alone; no one will want to be with me if I’m sad”
A parent uses their child as their personal confidant = “my job is to care for others’ emotions; there isn’t room for my emotions”
These messages become identities, shaping how we show up in every relationship moving forward.
First-Order Trauma Work Can Only Go So Far
Most LCPCs, LCSWs, or other individual-focused therapists are trained to:
Reduce symptoms like anxiety, depression, or panic
Provide coping tools and psychoeducation
Help clients manage emotional triggers
This is known as first-order change: improving your internal state within the same relational and identity framework that created the distress in the first place.
First-order therapy says, “Let’s help you feel better.”
LMFTs ask, “Who did you have to become in order to feel safe—and what would it look like to finally let go of that role?”
What Makes LMFTs Different?
LMFTs (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists) are trained in systems theory, not just individual psychology. This means we look at:
The roles you played in your family of origin
The patterns you repeat in adult relationships
The emotional contracts that still shape your sense of self
The inherited rules about emotions, needs, and boundaries
We don’t stop at symptom relief. We go after the system underneath the symptoms.
What Is Second-Order Change?
Second-order change is about transforming the emotional system itself, not just feeling better inside of it.
It’s what happens when you:
Let go of performing for love or managing others’ emotions
Learn to set boundaries without guilt
Speak truth without emotional collapse
Experience closeness without enmeshment
Build a self that’s whole and connected, not fused or hidden
What Is Experiential Therapy?
Our marriage and family therapist, Jamie Amitrano, uses experiential therapy, meaning she doesn’t just talk about your pain—she creates new experiences of healing in the room.
This may include:
Practicing boundaries in session
Naming unspoken family roles and contracts
Healing shame through present-moment connection
Building tolerance for conflict, disagreement, or emotional exposure
In other words:
Jamie helps you practice what it means to be fully yourself in real relationship, the therapeutic relationship, not just talk about it in theory.
The Amitrano Center for Relational Healing
We’re not just trauma-informed. We’re systems-focused and transformation-oriented.
At The Amitrano Center, we:
Work with adult children of emotionally immature or toxic families
Specialize in enmeshment, codependency, and relational PTSD
Use second-order, experiential therapy to help clients rebuild the self
Don’t just reduce symptoms—we help undo the system that caused them